Depression is Real and Lives at My House

I’ve been depressed.  Not sad.  Depressed.  That sinking feeling where it feels like there is a weight on your chest and you can barely take a breath without it hurting so badly you want to cry.  I know it has stemmed from multiple places – the most basic of which is that Went still nurses every 3-4 hours during the night.  He has slept longer than 5 hours exactly twice in his life.

Guess how long it’s been since *I* have slept longer than five hours straight.

"Hey There, Camera!" (Gotta admit he's a cute alarm clock, though...)

“Hey There, Camera!”
(Gotta admit he’s a cute alarm clock, though…)

To say I’m exhausted is an understatement, which has made everything seem so much worse.  GO being in preschool has been a blessing, because it means I have to get up and dressed and move four days of the week.  And Otto is home on the weekends.  Mondays are generally the worst.

I’m overwhelmed.  I look at my to-do list and can’t figure out what to do first, because they all seem so important.  Everything is *big* and *huge* and *the-most-important-thing-ever*.

Even when it’s not.

I’ve tried to implement a few changes in October.

1) Blogging daily.  Even the silly posts help me reach out and do something for myself.

2) I rearranged my house.  Last Wednesday morning, my house had a formal living room and a den.  By Wednesday night, I had a den with two sofas, a comfy pretty chair in my bedroom, and an office.  A downstairs office with giant windows and a place for my computer.  Now, when I’m on my computer, I’m forced to be with the family and sunlight.  Tomorrow, I will post pictures and reveal the gloriousness.

3) Taking care of small projects.  I have had a few small projects on my plate, and with the help of a couple of friends – they are done and returned.  I had to make 60 bags of fruit loops and yarn for the Fall Harvest Fest, and recover musical sandblocks with fresh sandpaper.  Things that took less than 45 mins, but finding that 45 mins seemed impossible.  So they just hung over my head.  Twice a week, my goal is to take care of a small project.

4) I opened up to friends and family.  Seriously opened up.  Sometimes, I think it’s easy to see someone is upset or quiet or sad and it becomes normal.  I had to open myself up and say “Friends, this is different.  My depth of sadness is different.  I need help, please.  Please help me.”   I know I am loved, even when I can’t see it in the moment.

5) I’ve tried to spend more time in Scripture.  I love to read my Bible, especially the parts everyone else finds boring.  Leviticus is my second favorite book.  The order and detail of God comforts me.  (I know, I’m weird, that’s okay.)

6) I am trying to embrace myself and my quirks.  I am who I am.  And I am who I am in Christ Jesus.

7) Coffee.  Enjoy it.  I’m trying to enjoy it with friends this month.  Reaching out and building relationships takes time, effort, and commitment.  I want firm foundations.

I’m still depressed.  But every day is a battle to get better.  One day, I’ll wake up and not remember the last time I felt sad.  And that will be a good day.  But, I’ve found, that I can have a good day even when I’m depressed, if I just look around.

~Mummy Butterfly  )i(


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