The Thin Strands

Today was a hard day – I found myself crying for no good reason.

I’m sure there are reasons that are valid, such as the fact that I’m not sleeping at all (Went has been waking up every 2-3 hours for the last week).  This tired feeling goes to my bones.  It could be the fact that for some reason, I’ve been missing my Mimi (my grandmother) since Grandparents Day at GO’s school.  Just missing her and wishing she was here to hug and to be able to call her and tell her stories about the Caterpillars.

But mostly, I think it’s because I’ve stepped outside my little box and it seems as though I can clearly see exactly how fragile all the pieces of our lives are.  The thin strands that are holding everything together seem pulled so taut, as if they will break at any moment.

I spent a few hours cleaning the garage.  Emptying boxes and trying to make things perfect.

Nothing can be perfect.

My furry babies are curled up on my lap and leaning against my legs, all three of them sitting like a puddle of purr.  I want to freeze this moment.  Pray nothing changes..

Went turns 1 on Tuesday.

Planning his party seems final.  He’s growing up.  We all are aging.  Time is moving forward.

A spider spun a web from my van to the bush beside our house.  A big spider.  My gentle oldest son spent almost a full minute carefully breaking the strands of her web, so she could crawl back to the safety of the branches and leaves.  So she could go somewhere better and spin her home.

I feel like God is doing that to us.  Carefully breaking strands of our lives, untethering us from this world – in order that we might move closer to His safety.  Our web is shaking, becoming unsteady, and the risk of falling seems ever present.

I’m a Mummy Spider on that web, carrying babies on my back.

Rushing for the branch.

My world is changing, even as it remains the same.  I want to be happy, to dream, to watch my Caterpillars dream.  I feel wholly inadquate to lead and guide them.  To rebuild a web, in a better place.

The spider has no idea that the van will move – ripping apart her home, possibly sending her to her squished demise.

I am scurrying fast, and praying I can find shelter before my world collapses.

Keep on, move quickly, be steady.

Then spin again.

~Mummy Butterfly  )i(


One response to this post.

  1. Posted by cookie on 28 09 13 at 6:08 pm

    Thinking of you … and saying prayers. Had some of those same thoughts today as I cleaned out the House and the purses … random pieces of peppermints, two yellowed fortunes from Chinese cookies, a few odd pennies, and blank pages in a day planner. You are much loved. Always.


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